Power of Apologizing
- By Ziv Ben-Dov, MS, MFA, NCC, LPC
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- 08 Oct, 2018
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THE POWER OF APOLOGIZING
"When we apologize to someone, even if that person doesn't necessarily deserve an apology, we exercise free will at its highest level." -Dovid Lieberman, PhD Real Power , (page 92)
In our culture from top to bottom apologizing has been forgotten. Rather than apologizing, we have all become experts at pointing fingers and passing judgment on to others.
The question stands: why does this matter? What about apologizing is so precious?
The answer lies in the process of highlighting something within ourselves that requires improvement. When we apologize, we are recognizing something flawed in ourselves. If we were to observe objectively, it would soon become clear that everything in our lives which we usually call reality originates within us.
When we notice someone doing something that irks us, instead of pointing the finger at them, we ought to remind ourselves that nothing in this world is random coincidence. If something is bothering us, it is part of our reality for a reason. Somehow, it must come from within ourselves; therefore, we need to look into ourselves before we point fingers at anyone else. (See our previous blog)
The action of apologizing, especially when we think that the person we are apologizing to doesn't deserve an apology, is a manifestation of our free will that can serve as a springboard for personal growth. If a kindergartener is asked "Why did you hit that other child?" their response will often be "They started it!" The child is not yet capable of realizing that they are responsible for their own actions. By blaming someone else for their actions, the child is giving up their independence and giving control over their actions to the child who "started it." An independent adult is free and responsible to choose their reaction to anything in the world around them.
Warning!! Toxic!! – Contains Deflated Self Esteem, high on its own Inflated Ego.
Last week we introduced the danger of low self-esteem mixed with inflated Ego. To help appreciating this phenomenon lets observe one of its major building blocks.
When we don’t engage face to face with other people, the most vital element of our inner self withers. Since we have a vital need for love and belonging, (as illustrated by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) the authentic sense of self, (the real ME) inside every one of us can only flourish in a context of unobstructed (one-on-one) relationships with live people. This LIVE interaction feeds our feeling of being part of… belonging, loving/being loved.
Growing up before the computer age, I had to discover myself and mature within the context of real people around me. The only way to engage was personal, no social media… I had to learn to apply my own authenticity by connecting with people without the barrier of electronic devices.
Over the last 20 years a silent revolution has been taking place while we were hypnotized by the fascinating ease of the internet. By the time we became aware of it, an entire generation was already hooked on the web, and human interaction rapidly eroded. I will never forget my niece proudly declaring one day that she had 200 friends on Facebook …
Communicating with other people through social media allows a person to speak their mind without any reaction. Even in texting, words are blurted out without having to hear or see the other person’s reaction. It allows us to express ourselves unfiltered. Our sense of control and respect vanishing before our eyes. The inevitable results of this disengagement and detachment continues to produce a new generation of people with low self-esteem, getting high on their inflated Ego.
The extent of my social media engagement is this blog. I constantly hear however, how people complain about others who paint an extravagant image of themselves, knowing full well how far it is from reality. All of which continues to masquerade their Inflated Ego, while further wearing down their tiny self-esteem.
“When our self-esteem begins to erode, our perspective shrinks, and more of our personality comes through filtered by our own insecurities. As a result, two distinct mentalities are produced: one can have low self-esteem and a dented (though not diminished) ego—this is the doormat mentality. And one can have a low self-esteem and an inflated ego—this is the arrogant person.” ( Real Power , Dovid Lieberman, PHD, Page 79)
The Opioid Crisis. It sounds like a cliché when everybody talks about it. The numbers are staggering: more than 72,000 people dead in 2017 alone. More casualties than 20 years of the Vietnam War (58,148 American casualties). Add to that 45,000 suicide deaths per year, and the situation sounds incredibly bleak.
To me, the statistics are not the most important thing. I think that it is far more important to examine the culture that has led to such a tragic situation. These deaths are tragic, but they do not occur in a vacuum. What does this crisis tell us about the problems that we face as a society?
I have a theory: perhaps one of the issues causing such trouble is people, especially in the younger generation, feeling a lack of belonging to anything outside themselves. This feeling appears to be more common than ever, and is very dangerous because it leads to two things: low self-esteem, and an inflated Ego. This is a toxic combination that we will discuss in an upcoming post.
For now, let me leave you with this idea: could it be that the growing popularity of excessive body/facial modification (and even self-mutilation) is a symptom of the same issue - inflated Ego and low self-esteem?
Here is the answer to the question of the previous post.
How do I change myself?
Changing myself is the only way to change the world, but how can I do it?
Disclaimer: I wanted to share this with you, but I was afraid you would dismiss it. However, it came up in a conversation with Kat (who gave me permission to use her real name) and she made me promise to share it with you too. So, fasten your seatbelts, here we go.
Understanding this requires your full attention; please humor me.
In preparation for each person being born into this world, a heavenly committee embarks on finding just the right soul, just at the right place and time, exactly the right individual characteristics, and the right parents for that soul. You could have been one of an infinite number of potential souls, but it had to be you. You came to this world fully equipped for your roughly 120-year expedition.
Every gift that you possess, be it physical, spiritual, a talent, or anything else, makes up a unique package no one else in the world has had or ever will have. Nobody of the 7 billion people on earth can think your thoughts, feel your feelings, or have precisely the same strengths and weaknesses that you have. Each one of us is an inimitably distinct individual. You are a perfect testimony of your uniqueness. You are it. This could not have happened randomly.
Now, that understanding is good, but how does it help us change ourselves?
Years ago, on a family trip to a safari park, my son insisted on driving the van that our family was in through the park. He was 7 years old at the time, but I wanted him to have the experience of driving all of us, so I sat him on my lap and let him hold the steering wheel. He steered the van while I controlled the gears, throttle, and brakes and kept watch over him. Who was actually driving? It doesn’t matter. What mattered to him was that he felt that he was driving.
Similarly, in our lives we are in control of the steering wheel, and it feels like we’re driving. But this is not a safari, and we each need to get somewhere designated specifically for us. It may be difficult to figure out what “your calling” is, but if you take stock of your special package of natural assets and the resources that you’ve gained so far, as well as the ones you’re still working on, you will start to get an idea of where your van is headed. You already have everything that you need to get to where you need to be, if only you can see beyond the wheel in your hands; in this case, that means everything you have been given to accomplish your mission.
When you feel you have a direction in life, you can start steering the wheel of your life. While you get to choose the direction that you are headed in, the one who controls everything else is protecting you. He wants you to thrive and flourish by fulfilling your special calling. Remember, it’s not about awards, fame, and trophies. It’s about knowing that you’re on the right track.
In the last 20 years, holistic medicine and philosophy have been embraced in the Western Hemisphere. One of the biggest forces behind this phenomenon is the reaction to modern medical treatment, which has taken a twisted therapeutic approach in many ways; scientifically treating symptoms by chemical intervention without focusing on the root cause of the problem. The opioid epidemic unfolding in front of our eyes didn’t appear from nowhere. We desperately seek a miraculous cure for all of our pains while continuing the lifestyle that causes our ailments. Not only does this approach not treat the problem, it magnifies and perpetuates the disease, while the supposed cures get cleverer and psychiatrists get richer by numbing the painful symptoms!
Imagine a burning house where people frantically try to quiet the noise of the fire alarm.
I can continue to preach about this idea, but instead I’m choosing to follow the advice that I give to others: the only possible way to change the world is to change yourself.
How?
Read about it in my next post…
“I look at
the world around me …. it has gone crazy! It must change! It’s absurd how people
are so unfair, reckless, and Narcissistic. I’m not putting up with it anymore!”
“What are you going to do about it?”
“I’m going to go out there and do everything in my power to change it.”
One year later:
“I did everything in my power. Where didn’t I go?! Who didn’t I speak to? NOTHING has changed!”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to change our town. I know people in power and everyone else.”
One year later :
“Nothing changed, our town is rotten and corrupt.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“If I can just change my family, we can join forces and change our town. That’s going to be the beginning of changing our country, and then our country will lead the change of the world.”
One year later:
“Okay… I started to go to Out of The Box Therapy. It’s amazing how by working on changing myself, I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!”
The Jewish elders teach us that we have two eyes: A “right” (stronger) eye for looking into ourselves, and a “left” (weaker) eye for observing the world around us and seeing the good in it.
The meaning of the verse “G-d created man in His image,” is that he gave us the power to not only change ourselves but to literally create our reality. If we decide to get angry, our world is nasty and full of animosity. When we make a point to show love, suddenly we live in a beautiful world filled with tenderness. This is not just a cute saying; this is the reality!
Most people choose to ignore this fact purely because it’s easier to blame our troubles on someone else. People choose to see themselves as victims because it’s far more comfortable than deciding to change and grow. Staying in our misery and blaming others for our situation is always easier than working to improve things.
When we live with the knowledge that we have the power to determine our reaction to anything in the world, good or bad, we essentially control our reality. In turn, this allows us to control our mood as well as our actions.
When a person attains clarity concerning their purpose in living in this world, all of their emotions and actions can feel right, accurate, and meaningful.
This is the definition of “happiness,” and what sets it apart from simple physical pleasure.
Demoralization/Depression
It is very common for therapists to diagnose people with major depressive disorders, which generally leads to a prescription for anti-depressants.
I believe that in most cases, anti-depressants are not any more effective than placebos, except in cases of severe major depressive disorders.
There is a small percentage of people that are prescribed anti-depressants where the use of drugs is warranted and could be useful in lowering the patient’s anxiety and increasing their ability to function. For the majority of people, their medication functions like a placebo, meaning that it's not the substance itself that helps them but the knowledge that they are being helped which has the most significant effect.
It is my opinion that in the vast majority of cases of depression diagnosis, the depression is only a symptom of the person being in a state of demoralization.
The term demoralization was first used in psychiatric literature by Jerome Frank in the 1970’s: “The chief problem of all patients that come to psychotherapy is demoralization… the effectiveness of all psychotherapeutic schools lie in their ability to restore patient morale.” (Demoralization In Medical Practice, 2007)
Characterized by a persistent failure of coping with (either internally or externally induced) stress, Frank believed that demoralization left one feeling impotent, isolated, and in despair.
This conceptualization was congruent with the psychodynamic approach of the DSM-II, in which all disorders were considered reactions to environmental events. Frank defined these symptoms of anxiety and depression as direct expressions of demoralization.
This idea clearly suggests that depression is a symptom of demoralization, and demoralization, in turn, is a symptom of something else. Usually, the definition of demoralization is that a person lacks morale.
In my mind, decreased morale is directly related to a lack of morals. I would suggest that demoralization is both a lack of morals as well as morale.
In the 1960’s, more than two-thirds of university students in the U.S. answered "finding meaning in life" when asked to define the most important objective of their lives.
If someone were to conduct this study today among American students, I suspect that a small minority would declare meaning as their life's objective. From my humble observation, I think that about half would define their purpose as making money and/or making a name for themselves. The other half, perhaps even more so for millennials, are more likely to want to change the world.
Is changing the world a proper aspiration to have from the beginning? Perhaps, the way to change the world is to start by changing ourselves.
The next post will explore the answers to these questions.
Without a purpose in life, you float aimlessly, never getting a sense of achievement. Nothing could be more demoralizing than that.
The obvious question, though, is how to figure out what that purpose is. To help, here is a list of things to consider:
1. Define Long-term, Mid-term, & Short-term Goals.
2. Find clear answers to the following questions:
A. Who am I? (my inner authentic being) /Where do I come from? (my background)
B. What’s the time?
(the period in my life)
C. What’s the place? (the environment in which I’m operating)
D. What are my relationships? (define them)
E. What’s my objective? (what am I trying to accomplish)
F. What stands in my way? (define the obstacles between me and what I want to accomplish)
G. What do I do to overcome the challenges? (what actions I can take, here and now, to realize my goals)
The above are also the basic rules that every Stage Actor implements to successfully portraying a character based on the nine principles of acting laid out by Uta Hagen.
In your life, you are the only actor who gets to represent your character. There are no understudies!!
If you want the applause at the end, you'd better be a good actor, because the rules of engagement in stage acting & life acting are the same; the only significant difference is that on the stage you know that you're performing, while in life you may not be aware of it.
Remember, though, whether you know it or not, you are acting.
If you want to be a good actor, you'd better brush up on the rules of engagement!
When we don’t make progress in our life, it’s only a sign that were not ready to gift ourselves.
When I’m in a “comfort phase” I don’t want to change anything I just want to be safe and make sure that I am not rocking the boat. When I am in a “change phase” nothing is safe, I’m vulnerable the boat is rocking and I don’t know what’s going to come out of it, but that’s the only time when I may make progress.
In my personal life, whether it is relationships or career, I’m always in one of the two phases… comfort/change. A phase can last sometimes for years. When I’m anchoring myself in a phase of comfort I always play safe. When I play safe, I don’t grow. When I decide to change nothing is safe. I allow myself to be vulnerable and yet I stand a chance of growing and making progress.
Think about it like time, it never stops. I can get lost in my own thoughts and do nothing, but time doesn’t stop. By the time I am ready to snap out of it, an hour, a day, a week, two years has passed and it will never come again. So when I get off the train, it’s only me getting off the train, the train keeps moving forward. That is the way it is with time, progress, or anything in life.
Sometimes comfort is good and we can solidify our gains through or during a phase of comfort. If your phase of comfort seems to be prolonging, usually it’s a sign that your fears took over the reins of your life.
Self-sabotaging is when my brain tells me not to dare to take a chance. When your brain runs its own course without your check, it will always keep you safe and you will become defensive. You are not your brain. You have the power to identify what your brain does and choose to make a move. When you make a move, you will discover your real potential, strength, creativity, and you will discover the intense pleasure of overcoming your fears.
If you want someone to tell you that everything is going to be alright, don’t call Out of the Box Therapy. Call one of the local institutions. If you want to gift yourself with progress, come see Ziv and we will walk together through the minefield that you have laid (self-sabotage) and by unearthing one mine at a time, you will gift yourself with progress and success.
In a productive relationship one has to know who he/she brings into the relationship.
We all possess three main entities: 1. Our physical body with its five senses (physical urges), 2. Our emotional center, and 3. Our brain (erroneous thoughts/beliefs), none of which are actually you, but are rather the tools you use. All of these tools do not define who you actually are. The real “you” consistently uses these three entities to negotiate yourself in this world and in relationships, but the real “you” ought to be the captain that runs the ship. In other words, the real “you” calls the shots, not your brain, not your emotions, not your body (physical urges).
When your actions are a reaction to what you feel and/or what you think it means the real “you” is not making decisions, but rather your emotions/brain/body dictate your reactions. In that reactive condition the real “you” is not running the show, but rather the tools that ought to be under your control are making the decisions.
In a relationship, reacting to your Physical urges, Emotions, and/or Brain is a recipe for disaster, because your reactions will cause you to act in a manner that will satisfy an immediate need. Whereas when the real “you” calls the shots you are capable of making decisions based on the bigger picture congruent with your moral standards. The only way to create a successful relationship is by bringing the real “you” which is always independent. When your behaviors are dictated by your reaction to urges, emotions, and/or brain (erroneous thoughts/beliefs) this will create a co-dependent relationship.
For example, if you are never satisfied in intimacy; you will experience a reaction of strong negative emotions such as resentment, anger, jealousy and obsessive thoughts such as “it’s all about him and not about me.” If you allow these emotions and thoughts to take charge “you” will become defensive and passive aggressive hence, feed the co-dependency. If the real “you” is in charge, “you” will find creative solutions to every problem.
If you’d like to learn how to do this come see me.
People tend to think and say that telling the truth is always better. Lenny Bruce once had a joke… a man walks into his house only to find his wife with another man on their bed. He says, “What’s going on here?” The wife answers, “I’m making love to this man.” The husband replies, “But we’re married!” and the wife answers, “But honey you always told me you wanted the best for me and right now I can’t think of anything better for me.”
The wife said the truth. Right now, it feels best for her to do what she’s doing. However this kind of truth is very shallow and is extremely painful and destructive. The real truth is much more complicated. For instance when we make a commitment in marriage, the commitment itself is a fundamental aspect of the truth, so simply stating facts is focusing on a shallow aspect of the truth, and is likely to be very painful. The truth in the context of marriage and commitment requires sometimes avoiding stating facts that are devoid of the “big picture” particularly if they are painful.
If you are angry at your wife the truth requires that you will confront her at the right time with the right words. For example, if she fails to perform something you believe is important to the marriage, you can enter your home, make a scene, and tell her in front of the kids…”You’re a lazy bum.” That could be what you perceive to be the fact in your moment of frustration or anger, but that “fact” is only a fraction of the full picture and is not representing the REAL truth.
Anytime facts are stated in the midst of emotionally charged moments they are likely to be very painful and leave permanent scars. That would be a skewed method of saying the truth. When you choose to insult a loved one the real truth in that moment is that you want to hurt them as opposed to wanting to state some important “truth”.
