Out of the Box Therapy blog

Warning!!! Toxic!!!

Sun, 21 Oct 2018 13:50:53 GMT

Warning!! Toxic!! – Contains Deflated Self Esteem, high on its own Inflated Ego.

Last week we introduced the danger of low self-esteem mixed with inflated Ego. To help appreciating this phenomenon lets observe one of its major building blocks.

When we don’t engage face to face with other people, the most vital element of our inner self withers. Since we have a vital need for love and belonging, (as illustrated by Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs) the authentic sense of self, (the real ME) inside every one of us can only flourish in a context of unobstructed (one-on-one) relationships with live people. This LIVE interaction feeds our feeling of being part of… belonging, loving/being loved.

Growing up before the computer age, I had to discover myself and mature within the context of real people around me. The only way to engage was personal, no social media… I had to learn to apply my own authenticity by connecting with people without the barrier of electronic devices.

Over the last 20 years a silent revolution has been taking place while we were hypnotized by the fascinating ease of the internet. By the time we became aware of it, an entire generation was already hooked on the web, and human interaction rapidly eroded. I will never forget my niece proudly declaring one day that she had 200 friends on Facebook …

Communicating with other people through social media allows a person to speak their mind without any reaction. Even in texting, words are blurted out without having to hear or see the other person’s reaction. It allows us to express ourselves unfiltered. Our sense of control and respect vanishing before our eyes. The inevitable results of this disengagement and detachment continues to produce a new generation of people with low self-esteem, getting high on their inflated Ego.

The extent of my social media engagement is this blog. I constantly hear however, how people complain about others who paint an extravagant image of themselves, knowing full well how far it is from reality. All of which continues to masquerade their Inflated Ego, while further wearing down their tiny self-esteem.

“When our self-esteem begins to erode, our perspective shrinks, and more of our personality comes through filtered by our own insecurities. As a result, two distinct mentalities are produced: one can have low self-esteem and a dented (though not diminished) ego—this is the doormat mentality. And one can have a low self-esteem and an inflated ego—this is the arrogant person.” ( Real Power , Dovid Lieberman, PHD, Page 79)

Opioid Crisis

Thu, 11 Oct 2018 12:30:05 GMT

The Opioid Crisis. It sounds like a cliché when everybody talks about it. The numbers are staggering: more than 72,000 people dead in 2017 alone. More casualties than 20 years of the Vietnam War (58,148 American casualties). Add to that 45,000 suicide deaths per year, and the situation sounds incredibly bleak.

To me, the statistics are not the most important thing. I think that it is far more important to examine the culture that has led to such a tragic situation. These deaths are tragic, but they do not occur in a vacuum. What does this crisis tell us about the problems that we face as a society?

I have a theory: perhaps one of the issues causing such trouble is people, especially in the younger generation, feeling a lack of belonging to anything outside themselves. This feeling appears to be more common than ever, and is very dangerous because it leads to two things: low self-esteem, and an inflated Ego. This is a toxic combination that we will discuss in an upcoming post.

For now, let me leave you with this idea: could it be that the growing popularity of excessive body/facial modification (and even self-mutilation) is a symptom of the same issue - inflated Ego and low self-esteem?

Power of Apologizing

Mon, 08 Oct 2018 12:35:15 GMT

THE POWER OF APOLOGIZING

"When we apologize to someone, even if that person doesn't necessarily deserve an apology, we exercise free will at its highest level." -Dovid Lieberman, PhD Real Power , (page 92)

In our culture from top to bottom apologizing has been forgotten. Rather than apologizing, we have all become experts at pointing fingers and passing judgment on to others.

The question stands: why does this matter? What about apologizing is so precious?

The answer lies in the process of highlighting something within ourselves that requires improvement. When we apologize, we are recognizing something flawed in ourselves. If we were to observe objectively, it would soon become clear that everything in our lives which we usually call reality originates within us.

When we notice someone doing something that irks us, instead of pointing the finger at them, we ought to remind ourselves that nothing in this world is random coincidence. If something is bothering us, it is part of our reality for a reason. Somehow, it must come from within ourselves; therefore, we need to look into ourselves before we point fingers at anyone else. (See our previous blog)

The action of apologizing, especially when we think that the person we are apologizing to doesn't deserve an apology, is a manifestation of our free will that can serve as a springboard for personal growth. If a kindergartener is asked "Why did you hit that other child?" their response will often be "They started it!" The child is not yet capable of realizing that they are responsible for their own actions. By blaming someone else for their actions, the child is giving up their independence and giving control over their actions to the child who "started it." An independent adult is free and responsible to choose their reaction to anything in the world around them.

Holistic in Context

Thu, 23 Aug 2018 19:01:26 GMT

Here is the answer to the question of the previous post.

Here is the answer to the question of the previous post.

How do I change myself?

Changing myself is the only way to change the world, but how can I do it?

Disclaimer: I wanted to share this with you, but I was afraid you would dismiss it. However, it came up in a conversation with Kat (who gave me permission to use her real name) and she made me promise to share it with you too. So, fasten your seatbelts, here we go.

Understanding this requires your full attention; please humor me.

In preparation for each person being born into this world, a heavenly committee embarks on finding just the right soul, just at the right place and time, exactly the right individual characteristics, and the right parents for that soul. You could have been one of an infinite number of potential souls, but it had to be you. You came to this world fully equipped for your roughly 120-year expedition.

Every gift that you possess, be it physical, spiritual, a talent, or anything else, makes up a unique package no one else in the world has had or ever will have. Nobody of the 7 billion people on earth can think your thoughts, feel your feelings, or have precisely the same strengths and weaknesses that you have. Each one of us is an inimitably distinct individual. You are a perfect testimony of your uniqueness. You are it. This could not have happened randomly.

Now, that understanding is good, but how does it help us change ourselves?

Years ago, on a family trip to a safari park, my son insisted on driving the van that our family was in through the park. He was 7 years old at the time, but I wanted him to have the experience of driving all of us, so I sat him on my lap and let him hold the steering wheel. He steered the van while I controlled the gears, throttle, and brakes and kept watch over him. Who was actually driving? It doesn’t matter. What mattered to him was that he felt that he was driving.

Similarly, in our lives we are in control of the steering wheel, and it feels like we’re driving. But this is not a safari, and we each need to get somewhere designated specifically for us. It may be difficult to figure out what “your calling” is, but if you take stock of your special package of natural assets and the resources that you’ve gained so far, as well as the ones you’re still working on, you will start to get an idea of where your van is headed. You already have everything that you need to get to where you need to be, if only you can see beyond the wheel in your hands; in this case, that means everything you have been given to accomplish your mission.

When you feel you have a direction in life, you can start steering the wheel of your life. While you get to choose the direction that you are headed in, the one who controls everything else is protecting you. He wants you to thrive and flourish by fulfilling your special calling. Remember, it’s not about awards, fame, and trophies. It’s about knowing that you’re on the right track.

The Context for "Holistic" Therapy

Thu, 16 Aug 2018 10:56:33 GMT

In the last 20 years, holistic medicine and philosophy have been embraced in the Western Hemisphere. One of the biggest forces behind this phenomenon is the reaction to modern medical treatment, which has taken a twisted therapeutic approach in many ways; scientifically treating symptoms by chemical intervention without focusing on the root cause of the problem. The opioid epidemic unfolding in front of our eyes didn’t appear from nowhere. We desperately seek a miraculous cure for all of our pains while continuing the lifestyle that causes our ailments. Not only does this approach not treat the problem, it magnifies and perpetuates the disease, while the supposed cures get cleverer and psychiatrists get richer by numbing the painful symptoms!

Imagine a burning house where people frantically try to quiet the noise of the fire alarm.

I can continue to preach about this idea, but instead I’m choosing to follow the advice that I give to others: the only possible way to change the world is to change yourself.

How?

Read about it in my next post…

Progress

Tue, 17 Jul 2018 12:21:45 GMT

“I look at the world around me …. it has gone crazy! It must change! It’s absurd how people are so unfair, reckless, and Narcissistic. I’m not putting up with it anymore!”

“What are you going to do about it?”

“I’m going to go out there and do everything in my power to change it.”

One year later:

“I did everything in my power. Where didn’t I go?! Who didn’t I speak to? NOTHING has changed!”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m going to change our town. I know people in power and everyone else.”

One year later :

“Nothing changed, our town is rotten and corrupt.”

“What are you going to do now?”

“If I can just change my family, we can join forces and change our town. That’s going to be the beginning of changing our country, and then our country will lead the change of the world.”

One year later:

“Okay… I started to go to Out of The Box Therapy. It’s amazing how by working on changing myself, I’m starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel!”

The Jewish elders teach us that we have two eyes: A “right” (stronger) eye for looking into ourselves, and a “left” (weaker) eye for observing the world around us and seeing the good in it.

The meaning of the verse “G-d created man in His image,” is that he gave us the power to not only change ourselves but to literally create our reality. If we decide to get angry, our world is nasty and full of animosity. When we make a point to show love, suddenly we live in a beautiful world filled with tenderness. This is not just a cute saying; this is the reality!

Most people choose to ignore this fact purely because it’s easier to blame our troubles on someone else. People choose to see themselves as victims because it’s far more comfortable than deciding to change and grow. Staying in our misery and blaming others for our situation is always easier than working to improve things.

When we live with the knowledge that we have the power to determine our reaction to anything in the world, good or bad, we essentially control our reality. In turn, this allows us to control our mood as well as our actions.

When a person attains clarity concerning their purpose in living in this world, all of their emotions and actions can feel right, accurate, and meaningful.

This is the definition of “happiness,” and what sets it apart from simple physical pleasure.

Demoralization/Depression

Wed, 20 Jun 2018 11:30:20 GMT

Demoralization/Depression

It is very common for therapists to diagnose people with major depressive disorders, which generally leads to a prescription for anti-depressants.

I believe that in most cases, anti-depressants are not any more effective than placebos, except in cases of severe major depressive disorders.

There is a small percentage of people that are prescribed anti-depressants where the use of drugs is warranted and could be useful in lowering the patient’s anxiety and increasing their ability to function. For the majority of people, their medication functions like a placebo, meaning that it's not the substance itself that helps them but the knowledge that they are being helped which has the most significant effect.

It is my opinion that in the vast majority of cases of depression diagnosis, the depression is only a symptom of the person being in a state of demoralization.

The term demoralization was first used in psychiatric literature by Jerome Frank in the 1970’s: “The chief problem of all patients that come to psychotherapy is demoralization… the effectiveness of all psychotherapeutic schools lie in their ability to restore patient morale.” (Demoralization In Medical Practice, 2007)

Characterized by a persistent failure of coping with (either internally or externally induced) stress, Frank believed that demoralization left one feeling impotent, isolated, and in despair.

This conceptualization was congruent with the psychodynamic approach of the DSM-II, in which all disorders were considered reactions to environmental events. Frank defined these symptoms of anxiety and depression as direct expressions of demoralization.

This idea clearly suggests that depression is a symptom of demoralization, and demoralization, in turn, is a symptom of something else. Usually, the definition of demoralization is that a person lacks morale.

In my mind, decreased morale is directly related to a lack of morals. I would suggest that demoralization is both a lack of morals as well as morale.

In the 1960’s, more than two-thirds of university students in the U.S. answered "finding meaning in life" when asked to define the most important objective of their lives.

If someone were to conduct this study today among American students, I suspect that a small minority would declare meaning as their life's objective. From my humble observation, I think that about half would define their purpose as making money and/or making a name for themselves. The other half, perhaps even more so for millennials, are more likely to want to change the world.

Is changing the world a proper aspiration to have from the beginning? Perhaps, the way to change the world is to start by changing ourselves.

The next post will explore the answers to these questions.

Purpose in life - rules of engagement

Thu, 31 May 2018 12:15:25 GMT

Purpose in life - rules of engagement

Without a purpose in life, you float aimlessly, never getting a sense of achievement. Nothing could be more demoralizing than that.

The obvious question, though, is how to figure out what that purpose is. To help, here is a list of things to consider:

1. Define Long-term, Mid-term, & Short-term Goals.

2. Find clear answers to the following questions:

A. Who am I? (my inner authentic being) / Where do I come from? (my background)

B. What’s the time? (the period in my life)

C. What’s the place? (the environment in which I’m operating)

D. What are my relationships? (define them)

E. What’s my objective? (what am I trying to accomplish)

F. What stands in my way? (define the obstacles between me and what I want to accomplish)

G. What do I do to overcome the challenges? (what actions I can take, here and now, to realize my goals)

The above are also the basic rules that every Stage Actor implements to successfully portraying a character based on the nine principles of acting laid out by Uta Hagen.

In your life, you are the only actor who gets to represent your character. There are no understudies!!

If you want the applause at the end, you'd better be a good actor, because the rules of engagement in stage acting & life acting are the same; the only significant difference is that on the stage you know that you're performing, while in life you may not be aware of it.

Remember, though, whether you know it or not, you are acting.

If you want to be a good actor, you'd better brush up on the rules of engagement!

When we don't progress we regress, staying in the same place is an impossibility.

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:30:14 GMT

When we don’t make progress in our life, it’s only a sign that were not ready to gift ourselves.

When I’m in a “comfort phase” I don’t want to change anything I just want to be safe and make sure that I am not rocking the boat. When I am in a “change phase” nothing is safe, I’m vulnerable the boat is rocking and I don’t know what’s going to come out of it, but that’s the only time when I may make progress.

In my personal life, whether it is relationships or career, I’m always in one of the two phases… comfort/change. A phase can last sometimes for years. When I’m anchoring myself in a phase of comfort I always play safe. When I play safe, I don’t grow. When I decide to change nothing is safe. I allow myself to be vulnerable and yet I stand a chance of growing and making progress.

Think about it like time, it never stops. I can get lost in my own thoughts and do nothing, but time doesn’t stop. By the time I am ready to snap out of it, an hour, a day, a week, two years has passed and it will never come again. So when I get off the train, it’s only me getting off the train, the train keeps moving forward. That is the way it is with time, progress, or anything in life.

Sometimes comfort is good and we can solidify our gains through or during a phase of comfort. If your phase of comfort seems to be prolonging, usually it’s a sign that your fears took over the reins of your life.

Self-sabotaging is when my brain tells me not to dare to take a chance. When your brain runs its own course without your check, it will always keep you safe and you will become defensive. You are not your brain. You have the power to identify what your brain does and choose to make a move. When you make a move, you will discover your real potential, strength, creativity, and you will discover the intense pleasure of overcoming your fears.

If you want someone to tell you that everything is going to be alright, don’t call Out of the Box Therapy. Call one of the local institutions. If you want to gift yourself with progress, come see Ziv and we will walk together through the minefield that you have laid (self-sabotage) and by unearthing one mine at a time, you will gift yourself with progress and success.

Are you in a Productive Relationship?

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:28:26 GMT

In a productive relationship one has to know who he/she brings into the relationship.

We all possess three main entities: 1. Our physical body with its five senses (physical urges), 2. Our emotional center, and 3. Our brain (erroneous thoughts/beliefs), none of which are actually you, but are rather the tools you use. All of these tools do not define who you actually are. The real “you” consistently uses these three entities to negotiate yourself in this world and in relationships, but the real “you” ought to be the captain that runs the ship. In other words, the real “you” calls the shots, not your brain, not your emotions, not your body (physical urges).

When your actions are a reaction to what you feel and/or what you think it means the real “you” is not making decisions, but rather your emotions/brain/body dictate your reactions. In that reactive condition the real “you” is not running the show, but rather the tools that ought to be under your control are making the decisions.

In a relationship, reacting to your Physical urges, Emotions, and/or Brain is a recipe for disaster, because your reactions will cause you to act in a manner that will satisfy an immediate need. Whereas when the real “you” calls the shots you are capable of making decisions based on the bigger picture congruent with your moral standards. The only way to create a successful relationship is by bringing the real “you” which is always independent. When your behaviors are dictated by your reaction to urges, emotions, and/or brain (erroneous thoughts/beliefs) this will create a co-dependent relationship.

For example, if you are never satisfied in intimacy; you will experience a reaction of strong negative emotions such as resentment, anger, jealousy and obsessive thoughts such as “it’s all about him and not about me.” If you allow these emotions and thoughts to take charge “you” will become defensive and passive aggressive hence, feed the co-dependency. If the real “you” is in charge, “you” will find creative solutions to every problem.

If you’d like to learn how to do this come see me.

When is the truth really the truth?

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:27:09 GMT

People tend to think and say that telling the truth is always better. Lenny Bruce once had a joke… a man walks into his house only to find his wife with another man on their bed. He says, “What’s going on here?” The wife answers, “I’m making love to this man.” The husband replies, “But we’re married!” and the wife answers, “But honey you always told me you wanted the best for me and right now I can’t think of anything better for me.”

The wife said the truth. Right now, it feels best for her to do what she’s doing. However this kind of truth is very shallow and is extremely painful and destructive. The real truth is much more complicated. For instance when we make a commitment in marriage, the commitment itself is a fundamental aspect of the truth, so simply stating facts is focusing on a shallow aspect of the truth, and is likely to be very painful. The truth in the context of marriage and commitment requires sometimes avoiding stating facts that are devoid of the “big picture” particularly if they are painful.

If you are angry at your wife the truth requires that you will confront her at the right time with the right words. For example, if she fails to perform something you believe is important to the marriage, you can enter your home, make a scene, and tell her in front of the kids…”You’re a lazy bum.” That could be what you perceive to be the fact in your moment of frustration or anger, but that “fact” is only a fraction of the full picture and is not representing the REAL truth.

Anytime facts are stated in the midst of emotionally charged moments they are likely to be very painful and leave permanent scars. That would be a skewed method of saying the truth. When you choose to insult a loved one the real truth in that moment is that you want to hurt them as opposed to wanting to state some important “truth”.

Existential Approach at Out of the Box Therapy

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:25:49 GMT

Our tendency to live in the fast technological lane, going nowhere – like a gerbil in a wheel, is a common practice of modern society.

Stress, anxiety, panic and depression are all symptoms of a fast pace existence that is void of spiritual guidance and meaningful goals. Under this relentless pressure we lose touch with “the Present Tense”. We retreat to our own thoughts, focusing on the negative aspects of the past and the worries of the future, thus forgetting to live in “The Moment”.

For example, Jenny and Jimmy work full time, raise three kids, and maintain a home. They appear to have endless conflicts that seem unsolvable. On the surface their problem may look like a lack of communication skills, but a deeper look reveals that Jimmy and Jenny never identified/clarified for themselves meaningful goals. This lack of meaningful life objectives is at the core of their dysfunctional communication. They lack a “Collaborative Alliance” which makes their daily existence seem like an endless contest that gets them nowhere.

Existentialism has two fundamental elements: 1) having a meaningful life guided by clear, purposeful goals, and 2) living in the moment, the “here and now.”

In existential therapy, Jimmy and Jenny will identifies who they are personally and as a family, what’s really important for them , and what they’re willing to invest in their life in order to promote their own meaningful existence.

Jimmy and Jenny will identify:

1) Who am I (we as a family)

2) What are my (our common) objectives (long, mid, and short terms).

3) What has been stopping us from achieving our goals.

4) What are we willing to do in order to make progress and succeed.

When the above objectives are identified, Jenny and Jimmy will learn and practice techniques that stimulate “living in the moment” in congruence with their own goals and principals.

Under the above conditions Jimmy and Jenny will find that solving communication problems is a relatively easy task.

Behavioral Addictions & Integrity - What's the Connection?

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:23:43 GMT

Dr. David Schnarach stated in his book Intimacy & Desire,

“Integrity is about having ethical principles and living up to them, it’s the congruity between what we believe and what we do, and the consistency in our behavior over time. It’s about being loyal, truthful, and forthright even when it’s difficult. Living up to your responsibilities. Not being deterred by your fears and anxieties.”

“Integrity is part of your innate desire to develop and maintain a self…. Integrity is Part of your solid sense of self and comes out of your relationship with yourself. People who lack integrity, lack a clearly defined, coherent self.” (Schnarch, 2009)

The above statement is accurate and important, but I believe it lacks one essential element – spirituality. What does it connect to? Where do morals and “ethical principles” come from? Dr. Schnarch’s statement is all about me. How do I know what part of me is really important if I don’t have a spiritual sense that connects me to a source of truth, something bigger than myself.

A coherent, “solid sense of self” (Schanrch, 2009) can only be defined and attained through my understanding of myself in G-d’s world. When I see myself operating in G-d’s World both as a free entity and at the same time connected to His design, I am capable of seeing the meaning of my life and therefor engage with my life’s purpose. This spiritual orientation requires no affiliation to a place of worship.

In our culture children are brain washed with a materialistic outlook that tells them that “he who has the biggest toy wins” . This attitude promotes a fixation of attaining tangible objects. It allows us to make believe that we control our environment which leads us to forget our spiritual orientation and the understanding that my power is only constructive when it leads me to play out my purpose in G-d’s world. This lack of spiritual orientation is at the heart of the addiction epidemic to substances and behavioral addictions such as sex, internet, gambling, food, shopping, and flirting….

Back to where we started.

The ethical principles that define our integrity according to Dr. Schnarch and our loyalty and truthfulness must be rooted in our understanding of the unique place of every one of us within the big frame of G-d’s world.

Works Cited:

Schnarch, D. D. (2009). Intimacy & Desire. Sterling Productions .

Room of Vulnerability - Enter at Your Own Risk

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:21:54 GMT

Yesterday I found myself walking in a long corridor leading to nowhere….

As I was pacing back and forth, accomplishing nothing I noticed at the end of the corridor – a door entitled “Room of Vulnerability – Enter at Your Own Risk.” As I was accomplishing nothing, I decided I was going to give it a chance.

I opened the door… in front of me there was a set of bunk beds. On the top I saw “FEAR” and on the bottom I saw “ANXIETY.” I could feel myself getting sucked into my own fears and anxieties, but as I kept my eyes open I could see beyond this set of bunk beds another set of bunk beds. On the bottom of this second set I saw “ENDLESS POSSIBILITIES,” on the top bunk I saw “LOVE AND HAPPINESS.”

I get it! There is no way of exploring endless possibilities or reaching love and happiness without dealing first with fears and anxieties.

Only if you are willing to enter the room of vulnerability will you be able to explore endless possibilities as well as discover love and happiness, but remember – the same room inhabits fears and anxieties and you will have to learn how to deal with them first.

Solid Sense of Self vs Reflected Sense of Self

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:18:41 GMT

Having a solid sense of who you are is essential in order to be happy in life.

When your “sense of self” is compromised, you tend to depend on a reflected sense of self, which means that you develop a tendency to see yourself through the eyes of others. When someone says, “I am a people pleaser,” what they are really saying is that he or she need positive reinforcement from others to compensate for his or her lack of a sense of self. This behavior is a perfect portrayal of a reflected sense of self.

To gain a solid sense of self, it is crucial to develop the kind of self-awareness that allows us to clearly recognize what makes us react. Many of these reactions are related to childhood experiences.

Let's take Jackie as an example. Jackie grew up in a perfect family, the firstborn from both sides, loved by everyone. Everyone would fawn over her and exclaim how cute she was. Jackie viewed herself as a princess until one day when her father left home for another woman. Her whole kingdom crashed down, and her view of herself changed from a beautiful princess into a needy girl from a failed family.

Jackie, now in her 30’s, has always expected that it is only a matter of time before every project that she starts fails. Invariably, she reacted to this significant event from her childhood each time she began something new. Whenever she started a new career or relationship, Jackie braced for the day that it would all go sour. Because of this feeling, she never fully gave herself to anything or anyone.

At Out of the Box Therapy, Jackie is becoming aware of her patterns of behavior, which in turn is helping her develop her robust sense of self. This is already allowing her to make positive and productive choices without the need to react to her past automatically. She is learning to fully commit herself to new projects and relationships without the fear that they will all come crashing down.

Acting Myself to Success

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:17:17 GMT

Acting Myself to Success is a name of our new group…I’m starting at my private practice – Out of the Box Therapy – Bank Towers – 321 Spruce Street, 2nd Floor, Scranton, PA.

This group will do something very unusual. It will look into methods of acting on a stage and convert anyone of them that could be used into our life. After all, acting on stage and acting in life are very similar.

The difference is awareness on stage where we act, we are very aware that we are actors. In life we act just the same, but we are not aware that we are acting. We just think we are living in our moment. The similarities can be very helpful in terms of understanding how to perfect my “character” in life. We think of building character in the theater, but in life we build our character all the time, we’ve done it from day one – we continue to do it and sometimes we forget the fact that we can have a tremendous amount of control over building character, even what I have done up until today does not necessarily bind me and I can continue to develop myself as a character and change it to what I really want it to be when I know how to do it.

The how to do it comes to from the stage –

Who am I?
Where do I come from? (which helps to understand who am I)
What’s the environment in which I am living right now? (the space and the time)
What do I want – what is my objective – what am I trying to get right now? – With the objective comes the understanding that there is an obstacle or many obstacles- to everything we try to get in life there’s obstacles we need to recognize these obstacles as external obstacles and internal obstacles which are usually the harder ones to defeat.
And lastly, what do I do to get what I want in spite of what stands in my way. What are the actions that I take in order to achieve the things that I want – regardless whether I achieve them at the end or not. Just being in the moment of trying to achieve them is the goal more than actually a result that usually ends up to be petty.

In this group we will take building character methods and we will learn how to be in the moment with the rules of acting on the stage and by doing so we will be able to facilitate the situation of us/me stepping into my life, into my character, re-writing my character – where I believe it needs to be changed – and learning how to apply fully, wholeheartedly – “living in the moment.”

Come to the group, we would love to you there soon…..

More on the "Here and Now"

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:09:41 GMT

Today I’m trying to further develop the idea of “here and now” meaning being fully engaged in the moment… there’s only one aspect of our being that we are capable of controlling always, except for unusual circumstances, and that is our actions. I can decide and execute any action to take any actions under any circumstances even if that action doesn’t match what I feel or what I think or even my moral guidelines. I can just decide to do it and do it.

Conversely, we know that our thoughts and emotions are independent of our decisions. In other words, my thoughts don’t ask me permission to take a particular path. I could say to myself that I don’t want to have bad thoughts today – bad, sad, angry – but my thought would go there anyway. Yes I could stop myself thinking in any given moment if I don’t like it. And say to myself, “Stop, let’s think of something else.” And if I’m really good maybe I will be able to think about something else, but would the negative thoughts find a way to spring out again? You guess……

In other words we never fully control our thoughts and so it goes to our emotions, but our actions (including speech) are always under our control. There are rare exceptions such as moments caused by intoxication or severe trauma. Therefore our actions are the most reliable functioning that we have. Furthermore by controlling my actions I can navigate my emotions and in turn my thoughts.

The best example for this is the principle difference in philosophy between British and American stage acting. The American method, “The Method,” suggests that in order for an actor to have the appropriate feels for a particular scene he has to connect to something that made him feel similarly in the past. If it’s a sad emotion, he is to connect to something sad that happened to him in his life and he will (hopefully) display the emotion. The British acting method (which is much more reliable) suggests that you just have to display actions that are connected to this kind of feeling and by simply displaying the action the appropriate emotion will be conjured up.

In other words, the British philosophy is “just do it” if you need to be angry, just start screaming and cursing and the emotion will follow whereas the American method relies on a process for conjuring up the right emotion that is highly psychological and may not be dependable.

This reminds me of a well-known acting story concerning the filming of the movie, The Marathon Man , in which the two methods came to a clash. Sir Laurence Olivier, representing the British acting method, and young Dustin Hoffman, representing the American method, were in the same scene. Justin Hoffman (playing the Marathon Man) insisted on taking a couple of blocks jog before every time they were to shoot the scene to get into the point of huffing and puffing and sweating so he would show fear and despair. After a few rounds of the entire cast and crew was waiting for him to do his thing Sir Laurence Olivier commented to Dustin Hoffman, “Young lad, have you ever considered acting?”

If we are to understand it in terms of “acting in life” it is possible to “just do it” since we control our actions and “the doing” will conjure up the appropriate emotion and thinking. And vice versa, the inappropriate actions will conjure up more of the inappropriate emotions.

Our Sages tells us that we’re not allowed to be angry and we should always be happy. How dare they tell us how to feel! Isn’t that supposed to be a personal thing, how I feel?! The answer is yes it is personal, but could be under your control.

In other words positive actions and speech is likely to conjure up positive feelings and thoughts and vice versa… negative actions or actions that we take against our own morals will conjure up depressive and negative feelings and thoughts.

Is it Possible ??? Continued

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:07:10 GMT

Picking up from last post…..so for example, Ian (not his real name) has been in therapy for a while. One particular session, Ian comes into the office very upset. It seems that he has started a new affair with a co-worker, which is not his first or even unusual for Ian, however this one (we’ll call her Sue) is putting more pressure than any of the previous affairs. Pressures such as commitment and expectations for a full fledged relationship. Ian is very stressed since his wife knows nothing about it and he is afraid that Sue will go public which will hurt his family as well as his career.

When asked to explore the on-going urge in him to pursue new illicit relationships he explains very precisely that growing up the only love he received from his parents was as a reward for success in school. His father never sat down and played with him. His mother never snuggled. Hugs, kisses, or any physical touch was rare. Ian developed an emotional memory that tells him in order to receive love he has to be successful. He excelled in his studies and quickly rose up in the world of business until becoming a CEO of a very large company.

Ian gets married and has three young children. He believes that he has a perfect family. He says that he loves his wife and children, but that he doesn’t know how to be affectionate with them. His “flings” are similar to the rewards of his youth – a burst of affection that lasts a short period of time. As his parents are now deceased every time he experiences success in work he immediately looks to “gift” himself with affection – these flings.

He is very aware of all of this as he explains that he has a “hole in his heart” and that he constantly feels that it needs to be “filled up” and the only way he knows how to do it is by starting a new affair. All the while recognizing that this will not fill the hole in his heart, but will give him his momentary “burst” of feeling loved and appreciated.

Here is his cycle which is imprinted into his emotional memory – he accomplishes something, he receives his reward which is his fling and he carries on to the new success and the reward that follows. Through therapy he has become fully cognizant of the cycle that has become embedded within him, yet at this time he is unable to stop this cycle.

What needs to happen to make him capable of uprooting this cycle? Is uprooting a well-embedded cycle possible at all?

Join us on Facebook to share your thoughts and stay tuned for the next post in which we’ll continue further.

Is it possible????

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 12:05:02 GMT

Is it possible to change one’s ways without G-d?

When psychotherapy is effective, we develop a solid sense of self that allows us to see with clarity our triggers to our behaviors.

So essentially you see your normal behavior and identify the trigger to that behavior. This in turn allows you to identify that behavior and trigger when it presents itself next time and make a conscientious choice how to respond to it.

Here’s “the rub”…. Even when we are capable of making a conscientious choice do we know that the one we choose is not driven by a compulsion that is there already and even when we know – how do we stop ourselves from doing something that we have been doing for a long time and gives immediate gratification?

Stay tuned, think about this, and we’ll discuss this more next post…..

Behind Every Fear...

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:52:58 GMT

Last time we discussed Ian’s story and recognized in it a narcissistic (a phenomenon of one person’s cyclical, compulsive relationship with him/herself) streak that drives Ian’s compulsions (flirting/sex addiction).

This time we would like to talk about a different yet similar phenomenon of self-sabotage.

In a parable by Franz Kafka called, “The Gate to the Law” ( http://www.kafka-online.info/before-the-law.html ), a person is in search for a meaning and purpose to his life and he spends his lifetime obsessing over the obstacles to his goal and his fears.

Freud explains that, “behind every fear there is a wish.” If we were to focus on the “wish” behind every fear it’ll open our own gates to the path towards our goals.

Just do it!

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:51:19 GMT

In Hebrew, some of King David’s psalms start with the phrase “a psalm of David” and yet others start “to David a psalm” What is the meaning of this? Aren’t they all David’s psalms? I saw a commentary explaining that when it says, “a psalm of David” it means that he was inspired first and then wrote the psalm whereas when it says, “to David a psalm”, King David was not first inspired, but rather started writing the psalm with the inspiration arriving during the process.

Waiting for inspiration to move us is presumptuous and pretentious in fact it’s a very common program of self-sabotage. We want to “feel” in the right place in order to move in the right direction. It’s what we’re taught.

However, deciding to take an action even without any inspiration may evoke an inspiration to come to dwell on us while engaging in the action. However the inspiration may join us only when we engage in the Nike philosophy – “Just do it!”

Now let’s clarify “Just do it!” Often we see peoples around us misusing the term, “Just do it!” to allow people to just follow their whims. In the context of our conversation we are not discussing satisfying one’s whims, but rather identifying a spiritual goal which will inject meaning and purpose to one’s life and then in the process of bringing that goal into fruition we first do the actions which in turn will bring to us the inspiration.

Is a Quick Fix Really a Fix?

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:48:50 GMT

Our modern culture focuses on the bottom-line… results. We like to turn to science to give us measurements and quick “results.” We are easily tempted because science/technology has become so seductive. For example, science’s remedy for any emotional discomfort is a quick chemical fix. Anti-depressant for depression, Speed (Adderall) to improve concentration, and relaxants to eliminate anxiety.

When we stay focused on the immediate result we neglect the process. The irony is that not wanting to be in the moment and go through the process is what got us to be depressed, anxious and/or distracted in the first place.

Science cannot help us with the most important element of process in life; living in the moment, every moment. Being fully present in the here and now is like tightrope-walking. It’s the art of performing two opposites simultaneously – Being 100% focused and totally relaxed at the same time. Normally we’re trained to do either or not both simultaneously.

Choice Rainbows

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:46:47 GMT

We never think black and white. Our thoughts are multi-colored as the rainbow.

Our decisions are influenced by multiple desires.

Because of this, our job always is to be able to identify as many colors/desires as possible before we make our decisions.

A process by which we gain control over our choices/decisions.

Personal responsibility is defined by one’s ability to classify his/her multiple desires and identify the desires which are moral based. Just as we have desires to satisfy our physical needs (Freud’s Id). We have moral needs (Freud’s Super- Ego). When our moral needs are being attended to, we develop a spiritual capacity – the lack thereof causes us to feel empty.

The reward for spiritual based decisions is that you get to make more spiritually based decisions. The reward (punishment) for making non-spiritually (physical) based decisions is that you get to do more of those.

After the first flirt, the consequences become easier and more frequent and could easily lead into further involvement. On the other hand, The reward to say, “I love you” to a spouse or a child is it will be to intensify the love and bond.

Hence you get to choose the type of life you are going to live.

Happiness and YOUR Soul

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:44:56 GMT

In our society, happiness is too often associated with goals and the attainment of a goal. When I have the house with the picket fence I will be happy. When I lose 10lbs I will be happy. When I find the right mate, I will be happy.

But what is happiness? When does a person feel happy inside and when does a person feel unhappy inside? Recently I ran into a lecture by a very well recognized educator who suggested the following method of understanding happiness:

Contrary to the western civilization attitude, happiness is not a goal, but rather a positive response of a person’s inner being when his/her soul recognizes that they are on the right path.

Choosing a right path is discussed in our last blog post, “ Choice Rainbows .”

Regardless to the difficulties that a person could encounter at any given moment on his/her path, his/her soul will create a sense of happiness even when he/she is in pain at the moment emotionally or physically. When a woman gives birth she experiences extreme pain and yet at the same time her inner being is in a state of happiness because her soul gives approval of the process and the result that will come from it even when an outsider may see her face in great pain.

On the contrary when you do something you know is wrong, you may have a smile on your face and even feel that you “got away with it,” but the inner response of your soul will torment you.

No matter what anyone tells you or even you tell yourself… KNOW that your soul is NOT for sale! Because it operates on a spiritual realm.

How Do I Find My Personal Calling?

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:43:06 GMT

Last time we spoke about happiness and how it relates to our decisions. Prior we spoke about moral based decisions. Today we want to talk about how do I personalize these messages. How do I find my own “calling” that will put me on the path of happiness? (As we explained last time happiness is a positive response of the soul when we do the right thing.)

So how do I find out what is my personal calling?

First I must identify my natural strengths and weakness. If I recognize for instance that I am good at writing I must recognize the fact that I was given that specific talent because it’s there to serve my calling. It’s not just a coincidence – it’s a tool that was granted to me to serve my calling. Similarly any weakness that I recognize about myself that is a weakness. For example I see my weakness being math then I must accept that as well as a message. I’m not “missing” it, it’s just not an important tool to serve my calling. It could be important for someone else, just not me.

The first step is to take a honest stock of all my strengths/weakness and understand that everything is in place the way it should be. If you ask a ten year old, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” he might have a few different ideas, some could be very different from others. The sign of immaturity is to have endless options. In an interview with Gene Simmons from KISS he revealed that he has a notebook with a list of 4,897 women with whom he has been intimate. That is a perfect manifestation of immaturity – it’s about all the multiple options that I have with an inability to make a selection.

Understand – “Gene Simmons” at this point was in the state of a child looking at all of his options. 4,897 is an impressive number but was anything of substance accomplished? KISS is a perfect manifestation of what we are saying. I do not recollect any of their songs, but I can see why they need to be masked at their performances leaving us to see only the mask not the real face of the inner being.

What we are talking about is making that selection – maturity. Once I’m done with taking a “honest stock” the next and more mature job is to make a selection. Stop the process of exploring my options and rather bring to fruition the path of my calling using the tools I have.

An honest stock of my tools or talents and abilities will point me in the direction of what ought to be my calling. If I find a “toolbox” in my possession with the “tools” of a plumber, it may be a good idea to explore plumbing.

Next post… we will explore how to identify occasions in life as pointers in the right direction.

Bringing about Progressive Change - Part II

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:38:17 GMT

Last time we began discussing how we can bring about progressive change in our lives. We described the first step, “ Getting back in touch with the real me .” Today we would like to continue with the remaining three steps:

Getting back in touch with the real me.
It’s for my benefit.
One thing at a time.
Build a community.

#2: It’s for my benefit:

The only time we can engage in real change is when we understand that it is for our own benefit. For instance when participating in gossip or bad-mouthing, normally we think that the people who get damaged are the people we are speaking about. We tend to forget when we say something bad about someone else that we are the first one to hear it. If I am speaking negatively about other people, it changes me. I develop a negative outlook. Consequently I will be perceived differently by other people as well. If I say it enough times I teach myself something about myself – I become it.

Similarly, I can bring about a positive change in me by choosing positive actions and language. The only reason I will want to change anything about myself is if I see that it is for my own benefit.

#3: One Thing at a time:

Always, always, always one small change at a time. Change is possible when I can change one little thing and hold onto it before I start to change others things. For example, if you have a communication problem with your partner perhaps you can try some of the following small steps:

Avoid using any foul language when you speak to your partner.
Commit to avoid verbal injury (using words that hurt).
Explain what you feel.
Stop demanding.
Start using kind words.

#4: Build a community

We are social creatures. We don’t know how to change and build a life alone. It’s not the natural way. We thrive when we grow together with other people.

If I decide that I need to exercise I am much more likely to succeed by getting someone else to do it with me. That’s the idea of building a community. It’s not acting alone.

Bringing About Progressive Change - Part I

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:35:02 GMT

Many of us find ourselves as adults, particularly in our 30s and 40s, having already created a life. We find ourselves stuck in certain elements of that life that cannot be changed. These elements are bad habits that range anywhere from losing weight to wanting to explore and develop spirituality. We find we cannot change because over time we have slowly developed these habits and routines.

For example when attempting to lose weight we continue to follow the bad habits that we have developed over a long time so we don’t know how to break away from the habit. In the case of wanting to develop our spiritual connections, we find ourselves providing excuses such as being “too busy” taking care of family, finances, the house, etc.

Recently I was listening to a very prominent speaker who was discussing how we can bring about changes in our lives… progressive changes. The speaker covered four important steps in order to accomplish this and I felt it necessary to share with everyone. The four steps are:

Getting back in touch with the real me.
It’s for my benefit.
One thing at a time.
Build a community.

Getting back in touch with the real me:

Getting in touch with the real me is a search for me as I remember myself at my best. It could have been when I was 30, 25, or even 20 years old. The time period when I loved the person I was before the “habitual” and “too busy” person emerges in a life that holds me down.

How do we change back to this person (the real me)?

First we need to understand that we got to the “habitual” and “busy” person in first place over time by developing habits through repetitive actions. It could be a habit of having a dessert at the end of every meal. At first it was satisfying a sweet tooth and then it became a necessity. Three years later, obviously I am going to have to deal with some weight issues, sugar addictions, and/or diabetes.

Somehow I taught myself over these years that I have to have a dessert after every meal. I changed the way my brain works. Our brains develop in accordance to our actions. This is a phenomenon that was discovered in the 1980’s which is called neuroplasticity which explains the brain is not a fixed thing, it is a constant changing organ. In the above example, the brain adapted the idea that every meal has to end with a dessert. It changed in accordance with the actions. So just as we once learned how to say our first word by repeating it a bunch of times, our brain creates the connections and can constantly learns how to adapt itself to our behaviors.

What we need to know is that, “My brain is not the real me” ( You Are Not Your Brain by Jeffrey M. Schwartz, M.D. and Rebecca Gladding, M.D.). Our brains are a tool just like the rest of our body, it may be the most important tool we have, but just the same it is a tool.

The “real me” is a spiritual entity, my soul. My soul (inner being) is the real me, not my brain, nor my body. Therefore I can utilize my brain to conceptualize the real me the way I used to like myself, instead of the way I am today, stuck.

To sum up… when I was 20 I loved changes, I loved to meet new people, see new places and I didn’t have dessert after every meal. So the present me who is stuck in trying to pay the bills, keep a family going, and have dessert after every meal is not the real me, it’s the present me that was developed through my actions over 20 years. Realizing this process allows me to get in touch with the real me.

Take some time to absorb, question, and even converse with us on Facebook about what we have discussed. Stay tuned for the next post in which we discuss numbers two, three, and four.

Delicately Structured

Thu, 26 Apr 2018 11:31:49 GMT

The world is a delicately structured organism. The fact that we may not recognize that it is meticulously organized is only a failure in our own capacity to see the whole picture.

Recently I was listening to a prominent speaker who related an example of a very well -known story about Isaac Newton. Newton was in an ongoing debate with another scientist who held the perspective that everything was a coincidence, there was no order in the world. One day Newton pointed out a structure of the solar system he designed and built, which is now famous, and said, “Look, this just appeared in my house, I have no idea how it appeared, it just did.”

The friend challenged Newton’s statement and replied, “A structure such as this could not have just appeared. It is meticulous therefore it had to be built.”

At which point, Newton took his fellow scientist outside and pointed at the night sky and said, “You keep telling me that all of this that we look at is just a coincidence and yet you tell me the structure in my home had to be built by someone? The structure in my home is not even relatively close to the amazing structure we see here.”

Anyone who would allow him/herself to open their eyes will have to recognize that we live in a meticulously structured environment so much so that even when things happen outside of the ordinary, such as a natural disaster, that too is part of the structure.

Having said the above every one of us must come to a conclusion that our own being also belongs in that grand plan and that each individual has a very particular function to fulfill.

Think about it like a car’s engine. It’s made of many parts, some big, some small, some seem to be more important than others and yet if you take out the smallest part of that engine, it will render that engine useless. If one part begins to go bad, it not only begins to cause wear and tear on the rest of the nearby parts, but it also causes lag in the operating of the entire engine. So it is with every one of us, whether we believe ourselves to be the screw or the pistons, without that screw, the engine doesn’t function properly.

One of the most important achievements that we can reach is to continuously ask ourselves what is the function I fulfill in the big plan so I can do it to the best of my ability?

Rising Above Victim Mentality

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 22:04:12 GMT

Is it possible that I’m the only one that creates my own anxiety, depression, melancholy, restlessness (dysphoria)? What if my pain comes from an external force? I’m being harassed at work, at school, my spouse abuses me, these things are real and they cause my dysphoria. So what does it mean that I create my own dysphoria?

Everyone is subjected to mistreatment, abuse, difficult circumstances in life… but the dysphoria is a result of how I am dealing with these issues. If for instance I see myself as a victim of the above circumstances I don’t see a reason to go through the difficulty of changing because I’m not perpetrating it, I’m being victimized.

When a person feels like a victim he tends to want to change his environment including people and circumstances as opposed to taking responsibility for his own condition. He then forgets that he alone has the power within to change himself and how he wants to react to it.

For example, if someone is or was mistreated by someone else it depends only on him how to react to it now. If Jenny was mistreated by her mother throughout her childhood she can choose to see herself as a victim and develop an inner script that says I’m disadvantaged because of what happened to me, I don’t have the tools that help every normal child to develop. That’s why I’m dysfunctional now and I experience depression and stress due to my past.

Or…

If Jenny chooses to be a productive, thriving person she is capable of writing a completely different inner script which will allow her to discontinue her suffering because of her past. She will even be able to use her hurtful past experience as a very productive tool to push her toward happiness that comes with the feeling that she fully recognizes who she is. The hurt she experienced becomes instrumental in her growth, development, and productivity. Happiness is not a tangible thing that we reach or acquire, but rather a deep inner sense that “I’m on the right track” and when a person feels that they are on the right track they can reach a level of confidence that will elevate them to a life in which they experience “self-actualization.”

The Existential Vacuum

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 21:57:44 GMT

Viktor E. Frankl speaks about modern man’s loss of two essential behavioral guidelines, “no instinct tells him what he has to do, and no tradition tells him what he ought to do; sometimes he does not even know what he wishes to do. Instead, he either wishes to do what other people do (conformism) or he does he what other people wish him to do (Totalitarianism).” (Frankl, Viktor E. Man’s Search for Meaning : An Introduction to Logotherapy . Beacon Press, 2006. Print, Page 106)

Frankl claims that the modern world which affords man with much more leisure time than he ever had before, together with the rapid diminishing of traditions brings about a state of what he calls “boredom.” This phenomenon of so much leisure time brings about “such wide spread phenomenon as depression, aggression, and addiction are not understandable unless we recognize the existential vacuum underlying them,” “the place of frustrated will to meaning is taken by the will to pleasure.” (Frankl, Viktor E. Man’s Search for Meaning : An Introduction to Logotherapy . Beacon Press, 2006. Print, Page 106)

(Next blog will address how is it that we have more leisure time and yet we feel like we are running around like chickens with our heads cut off.)

In the United States such traditions as; families being together sitting around the table eating a meal , respecting elders, two parent households and even speaking to each other face to face (which has been replaced by e-mail, text and other forms of social media) are all disappearing rapidly. This lack of tradition leaves us disillusioned essentially making life altering decisions based only on limited knowledge. Left to our own devices the “existential vacuum” that Frankl is talking about becomes reality and is the source of tremendous stress and anxiety because people don’t know if they have the right tools to make the right decisions.

The modern American “existential vacuum” manifests itself by wide spread depression, anxiety, and stress because people feel abandoned, uncared for, helpless and hopeless. In America today, we love to hate tradition and rebel against it. These are the elements that constitute our brand of existential vacuum and according to Frankl the source of most of our mental ailments.

Baby Boomer Bust

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 21:53:42 GMT

Jeanine is 58 years old and has been married for 35 years. For the last 10 years of her marriage she hasn’t had any intimacy with her husband. She claims she loves and appreciates him but is no longer attracted to him. She has 3 daughters whom she describes as “very successful” between the ages of 30-35 and has 3 grandsons. Jeanine has a lot of free time, she doesn’t work, her husband and she are financially secure and of course all of her children are out of the house and married. Her circumstances make her the envy of her friends. She looks younger than her age and keeps herself looking very attractive, but under this facade Jeanine is frantic.

For the last 10 years of her life she has been involved in multiple affairs. No one knows of any of those affairs, she is very careful.

She is frantic because she feels that her life is passing by and she’s missing the juice of life in her marriage. She wants to be loved and she doesn’t feel loved either with her husband or with her daughters and grandchildren. She can’t distinguish for herself what’s really important in her life and what’s negligible, but she strongly feels that a major need in her life is not met. This feeling puts her in a frantic chase after an illusion. She can’t recognize in her actual life what she believed happiness was supposed to feel like. Jeanine is not an untypical baby-boomer.

Jeanine’s generation advanced the idea of “finding oneself” instead of keeping their parents’ traditions and ideals. She is completely involved with herself with great awareness of her own need for basic “love and belonging.” At the same time she is detached from everyone else that could have played an important part in her life. This explains why she flirts and has a great urge to realize those relationships with men from her generation who are looking for the same thing – a quick moment of intimate human contact.

The communication between her children and grandchildren is reduced to superficial Facebook comments and her children are too busy working every job they can because of their own financial burden. Jeanine (with her cohort baby boomers) is chasing the dream she believed in the 60s and 70s, dreams which she was never able to realize. Now, she is running frantically in an attempt to indulge herself – to have the “dessert” of life and is stuffing her face with “ice cream” as she continues to feel insatiate.

To fight...or to flight...that is the question

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 21:51:59 GMT

The other day while listening to the radio I heard an interview with a man whose wife left him. This event drove him to isolation and despair. As he was being interviewed he described how one day, alone in his apartment, he was crying and feeling that he was completely lost. Suddenly he understood that his need to isolate was a reaction to fear that led him to ask himself, what is this fear? He soon realized that he was afraid of rejection which reminded him of the “Spetsnaz.”

You may ask, “Who are the Spetsnaz?” and “What is the connection?” Apparently, the Spetsnaz are a Russian elite military unit. In one of their rigorous trainings a Spetsnaz candidate is put in a small dark room with a very angry dog and only a spade in their hand to protect themselves. Only one comes out of the room – the dog or a Spetsnaz. (Only the Russian can think of something like this.)

Back to the man who understood for the first time in his life that his fear of rejection caused him to run away instead of facing his fear. He thought of a modern age version of the Spetsnaz’s rigorous training for himself, he called it “Rejection Therapy,” therapists would call it “exposure.” He decided he had to be rejected every day at least once in order to overcome this fear. He made a list of every kind of rejection including things like asking someone to give him a ride even if he didn’t need it, asking for a discount in the supermarket, starting a conversation with a stranger, and the list goes on.

Our natural response to distress is fight or flight. Fears are oftentimes not reality, but rather something our own brain constructs and immediately responds to by either avoidance or aggression. When we are unaware of our own reaction we naturally do anything we can to not face that which frightens us. When we raise our personal awareness, we can identify our own fears, understand that they’re not reality, and choose to face it instead of hiding. The immediate feeling of facing our fears is… well… frightening, but if we can pass that initial moment without hiding we can become inventive and creative by devising realistic methods that will give us the strength to face anything we need to face in life.

One of the most important pillars of human responsibility is to use our free will that was given to us by G-d to do the utmost to better our lives as opposed to being reduced to an instinctual response of fight or flight.

Man's True Freedom

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 21:47:47 GMT

We live in a culture (America) where personal freedom is revered so much so that we make sure that as a society we allow the freedom of doing what feels right to everyone and even bind it by law. Abortion, gay marriage, and legalizing marijuana are just three examples of many of how we actualize this concept.

To better clarify, the concept is that I should be free to do anything that feels good to me as long as I’m not becoming a nuisance to anyone else or the society in general. This is what we usually consider as freedom. This concept of freedom only addresses the freedom between man and his fellow man not between man and himself. Most of us think that freedom is the capacity to do what I feel like doing, but this is not taking into consideration the fact that what I feel like doing may come from a place of dependence or lack of ability to control my urges.

One such example is legalizing marijuana. If I choose to get stoned every night when I’m back from work and the kids are asleep, my use of marijuana is not going to cause inconvenience to anyone else and it’s legally allowed so I’m free to do it on my own time. That’s what it looks like on the surface. But if we dig a little further we’re likely to find that that choice comes not from a place of freedom within myself, but rather from a place of fears and/or avoidance if not simply from a place of addiction.

Another example is one who chooses not to further their education. On the outside this appears to be a declaration of freedom to make a decision. However, that individual may not be taking into consideration that the choice they are making is really dependent on their fear of failure. If the latter is true, is their choice a free choice or a very confined choice?

We can talk about real freedom only if we know that it comes from a place inside ourselves that is really free, true freedom. This would mean that I look at the options in front of me and I feel that I am able to make the right choice not because of a compulsion, but rather out of an unbiased assessment of what would be most beneficial to myself and others.

Sticks, Stones, and the Power of Words

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 21:42:44 GMT

“Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never harm me.”

It’s about time to dispel this myth. If you have read the Bible, you will notice in Genesis 1:3 “G-d said , ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” In verse 9, “G-d said , ‘Let the waters beneath the heaven be gathered into one area, and let the dry land appear.’ and it was so.” In these two verses, similar to all the entire descriptions in the biblical creation, clearly we are told that creation begins with words uttered by G-d and only after the utterance of the words there is an actual existence – “and so it was”. G-d is not describing creation to us through the Bible, He is speaking it into reality. Get it! Got it? Good, now we can go on.

In our modern age the gravity and power of language is lost. We are too casual and too far from understanding the concept that a world is created by words.

A Congressman may present legislation to the floor, engage in a rowdy conversation with a friend in a bar, or whisper loving words in his wife’s ear. In these separate instances he uses the same language (English) and yet in every one of those instances his choice of words and intonations create a unique world.

In your home the words that you choose to use with your children or spouse could have the power to build them or destroy them. Just tell a child repeatedly that she’ll amount to nothing and you will create a defeated personality. Similarly if you encourage a child to always search and grow in spite of failure you will build a completely different personality, a confident one. All of which is done strictly by words.

Even in modern American law, there is a provision against defamation and character assassination. Public defamation and or smearing of one’s name have the power to literally destroy one’s life, hence “character assassination”! Where are the sticks and stones? , it is all words . Sometimes it’s not only the choice of words, but rather the style of delivery. You can say the sentence, “did you get it?” in a tone that would humiliate the other person or in a tone that would make him curious to know more.

It takes time and skill to learn to use your words with wisdom. It takes no time and no effort to callously utter destructive words.

“The mouth of a fool brings destruction to himself, and his lips are a stumbling block to his soul. The words of a complainer are like blows and they descend to the chamber of one innards.” ~ Proverbs 18:7-8

“A habitually irascible(easily angered) complainer offends his adversary with insults that penetrate into the depths of his being. Instead of protecting himself, he destroys the other.” Yalkut HaMachiri

Pain, Pleasure & Purpose

Wed, 25 Apr 2018 00:00:00 GMT

Pain, Pleasure and Purpose

In Victor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning on page 113 it states “…man’s main concern is not to gain pleasure or to avoid pain, but rather to see a meaning in his life. That is why man is even ready to suffer, on the condition, to be sure, that his suffering has a meaning.”

I took the liberty to write a note in his book next to the above lines that these sentences sound true to me. However, I believe there has to be a spiritual element in one’s quest for meaning in order for this to really work. Pain and pleasure in the context of a spiritual purpose are perceived differently than pain and pleasure for tangible gain. Most of us instinctually stay away from pain and seek pleasure, but if we leave it to our instincts without a spiritual guideline then pain really hurts and pleasure could hurt too.

If Jessica and Kathy decide to start working out to get in better shape, but Jessica does it because she wants to be in good shape in order to live long and be there to raise her children and grandchildren. Kathy, on the other hand, is doing it because the doctor told her that if she does not do something she will develop diabetes. When Jessica and Kathy are going to the gym they both work out for an hour and yet have completely different results. Jessica walks off the treadmill, she feels tired, but has a smile on her face because she knows she is doing something that will benefit her family. Kathy gets off the treadmill she doesn’t smile, but rather she is in touch with the pain in her body and the suffering she has to endure in order to preserve her health.

Jessica’s action is spiritual because she’s thinking of the well-being of other people, Kathy’s action feels like a burden because it lacking spiritual element.